Going From Surviving To Thriving In A Relationship Where One Partner Has A History Of Sexual Abuse

Childhood sexual abuse stats in Canada are staggering. I would like to begin this blog by sharing what research tells us about this worrisome issue.

In 1999, the McCreary Adolescent Health Survey II* found that:

• 35% of girls and 16% of boys between grades 7 - 12 had been sexually and/or physically abused
• Among girls surveyed, 17-year-olds experienced the highest rate of sexual abuse at 20%

In their 2001 report on Family Violence in Canada**, The Canadian Centre for Justice Statistics found that children who are exposed to physical violence in their homes are:

• more than twice as likely to be physically aggressive as those who have not had such exposure;
• more likely to commit delinquent acts against property
• more likely to display emotional disorders and hyperactivity

University of Victoria's Sexual Assault Centre*** posts the following childhood sexual abuse statistics:

• 1 in 3 females and 1 in 6 males in Canada experience some form of sexual abuse before the age of 18.
• 80% of all child abusers are the father, foster father, stepfather or another relative or close family friend of the victim.
  
• Incestuous relationships last 7 years on average
  
• 75% of mothers are not aware of the incest in their family
  
• 60-80% of offenders in a study of imprisoned rapists had been molested as children
  
• 80% of prostitutes and juvenile delinquents, in another study, were sexually abused as children.

Most common types of abuse
In their 2001 report on Family Violence in Canada****, The Canadian Centre for Justice Statistics found that:

• 69% of substantiated physical abuse involved inappropriate punishment
• 68% of substantiated sexual abuse involved touching and fondling
• 58% of substantiated emotional maltreatment involved exposure to family violence
• 48% of substantiated cases of neglect primarily involved failure to supervise the child properly, which lead to physical harm

Abusers are commonly known to the survivor In their 2001 report on Family Violence in Canada****, The Canadian Centre for Justice Statistics found that family members, including relatives, constituted the vast majority (93%) of alleged perpetrators. Another statistical study conducted in 2001 by the Canadian Centre for Justice Statistics**** found that:

• among family assaults parents were the perpetrators in 56% of physical assaults against youths and 43% of sexual assaults against youth victims 12 to 17 years of age;
• siblings were responsible for approximately 25% of physical and 26% of sexual assaults in the family that were perpetrated against youth
• extended family members committed 8% of physical, and 28% of sexual assaults against youth

A BC snapshot In a snapshot taken on April 17, 2000****, in British Columbia, there were 689 residents in shelters: 54% were women and 46% were children.

• 82% were women escaping abusive situations
• of the women escaping abuse, 32% indicated they were also protecting their children from psychological abuse, 28% from witnessing abuse of their mother, 13% from threats, 9% from physical abuse, 5% from neglect, and 5% from sexual abuse

 Although I have shared some stats with you to raise your awareness around the prevalence of childhood abuse, I would like to explore with you how victimized individuals of childhood sexual abuse are implicated in their future adult intimate relationships. The partner with a history childhood sexual abuse (CSA) significantly can be affected in their capacity to manage intimacy.  Marital distress along with difficulties in the ongoing maintenance of the couple's relationship can become obvious. CSA often takes place in a close interpersonal relationship that has a number of similarities to traditional couple relationships. For example, in the case of incest, CSA is likely to be associated with emotional and sexual intimacy that develops gradually over time. Therefore, the context in which CSA occurs may predispose victim to experience emotional distress and confusion in subsequent adult relationships (Feinauer, 1989).

In the U.S., it is generally accepted that one-third of women have experienced some form of sexual trauma under the age of 18 years of age (Briere, 1992). These experiences include CSA, date and stranger rape, harrassment, and many other forms of victimization. The national studies for reported male CSA is approximately 10% (Finkelhor, Hotaling, Lewis, & Smith, 1990). The reason I share these stats with you is that the majority of research around this issue has been guided and based mostly on women, so it should be generalized with men cautiously. 

When we compare nonabused women to survivors of CSA, CSA are at greater risk for many negative internal experiences such as depression, anxiety, intrusive memories, rage and shame (Browne & Finkkelhor, 1986; Polusny & Follette, 1995). Women who have a history of complex trauma from CSA might engage in negative coping behaviours such as self-harm, self-mutilation, binge eating, substance abuse, suicide attempts (Briere & Runtz, 1993). When we begin to understand the impact that CSA has on the survivor, this raises awareness to the difficulties that can arise regarding the strain these behaviours might bring to a couples relationship. Research has identified (Biglan et al., 1985; Jacobson, Holtzworth-Munroe, & Schmaling, 1989) that individual disorders such as depression, anxiety, and substance-abuse can cause distress and negatively influence the intimate functioning of a couples relationship. Although the research in limited to the influence of interpersonal difficulties from trauma and couples distress, there are similar connections as in previous research mentioned. Individuals implicated by previous complex trauma commonly experience severe disruptions in social adjustment and couples relationships. A lack of 'trust' and increased fear are also features of CSA. Based on the finding mentioned, it makes perfect sense why survivors of CSA struggle to establish close relationships, maintain relationships and to build healthy attachments. 

In my next blog I will review how intimacy, avoidance and emotions operate in a relationship where one partner is a survivor of CSA.

Thanks for reading!!   

The Trauma of an Affair: Telling the Story

In my last blog, I explored the stages of restorative couples therapy after the trauma of an affair and the importance of establishing "Safety" and "Hope". Reconnecting a couple to doing the behaviours that they hope their emotions will become in the relationship is critical. Reconnecting caring behaviours, even when it feels very difficult to do, is critical at this stage. At best, some couples are only able to be 'considerate' or 'respectful' because caring is to difficult. Time, energy and caring are essential reinvestment's to restoration of the relationship. Building a process of safety and hope takes time, but it is necessary in moving forward to the next step of 'Telling the Story'.

Telling the story or recalling the story is the beginning process of healing. Before the story is told, it is sometimes helpful to have the betrayed partner write out all of their questions and then I would hold on to these questions. The betrayed might have significant difficulties accepting the story that might differ from what they know or believe to be true. As we begin the journey of piecing the story together, it needs to be co-constructed by both. Initially, the early stage of truth seeking is an adversarial process. As the therapist, it is our goal to move the truth seeking to a more neutral process of information seeking. This shift is evident toward a more empathic neutral process when the goal is focused on 'mutual understanding' rather than explicit fact finding and details. As we go through the process of telling the story, earlier lies and secrets are likely to be unearthed.

As this journey begins for the couple, the betrayed partner will often focus on where the involved partner and affair partner went, what gifts were exchanged, were they planning a future or other things together and finally, the degree of the emotional and sexual intimacy. The involved partner is usually opposed to discussing these details, so the betrayed partner needs to be able to communicate appreciation for the truth, even if it is painful, for healing to begin to occur. The therapist's role going forward is to begin discussions around the meaning of the infidelity. Exploration needs to occur regarding 'values' and 'vulnerabilities' of the involved partner in giving themselves permission to cross the boundaries and threshold to infidelity. Underlying this, it is important to understand from the involved partner "What did you like about yourself in the affair that can be brought back into the marriage" A deeper knowledge needs to be gained towards understanding the context that created the vulnerabilities for the extramarital affair. Contributors associated within the marriage, individual, cultural double standards, community, transgenerational patterns, social and occupational norms and values must all be reflected on within the disclosure in order to better understanding the individual's reasoning to engage in the affair. Also it is important to explore other contributing vulnerabilities such as underlying attitudes and beliefs along with symptoms of depression/mood disorders/narcissism/personality disorder/ and sexual disorder/impulsivity/attachment style and compulsiveness features. Exploring how power operates within the individual and their marriage and what role it played in the affair is also important. Finally, it is important for the therapist with the couple to better understand the deeper marital problems that lead to increase vulnerability without being caught in justifying the choice to become engaged in the affair.

Establishing 'Safety' & 'Hope': Struggling Through The Trauma Of The Affair

When couples come to therapy to explore whether they can restore their relationship after an affair, it is not uncommon for the betrayed partner to experience trauma features and responses. These features might include obsessive rumination about the affair, difficulty sleeping, intrusive thoughts and dreams of the lies and secrets, the moment of the disclosure or uncovering, and sexual images of the affair. These thoughts can be highly consuming for the betrayed partner. Flashbacks can also be cued through anniversary dates, music that references 'cheating', area of town, TV shows or movies. Emotional and sexual intimacy may also trigger flashbacks in the betrayed partner. Flashbacks have the potential of extending up to a year. Trauma can be characterized with having feelings of 'hypervigilance'. Hypervigilance is a term used to describe  feelings of elevated fear in response to a perceived lack of safety or trust. When the betrayed partner begins to search for more 'clues', becomes overly suspicious or jealousy, hypervigilance is evident. As you can see, there are many significant difficulties that the betrayed partner goes through as a result of the affair. Juxtaposed is the other partner who now is potentially feeling in crisis as a result of the affair being uncovered. Their crisis is best described as 'what do I need to do to fix this....to be able to save our marriage'. Often times the partner who had the extramarital relationship want the process of therapy to move at a far quicker pace than what the betrayed partner is able to manage. When it come to this type of therapy, you can not move faster than the slowest person in the room. In this case, it will be the traumatized betrayed partner.

Before, any trauma work can be started, it is critical to begin establishing 'safety' and 'hope'. Initially, safety is established by contracting with both parties to agree to attend 6-12 counselling sessions. At times, couples struggle with this especially if one person is ambivalent. In order to establish 'safety', the involved partner MUST STOP and terminate all verbal and physical contact with the affair partner. Then all unavoidable communication or interactions with the past affair partner must be 'shared' openly with the betrayed spouse. In short, a reverse must happen by which the betrayed partner is now on the inside and the affair partner clearly and evidently is placed on the outside of the relationship. The process of recovery cannot begin until the extramarital relationship is clearly terminate and no longer a threat.

In the restoration and rebuilding phase, the couple need to be encouraged to understanding that 'time' and 'energy' into the marriage are critical to reexperiencing their bond. Emotionally, it can be very difficult for a couple to feel motivated in doing things together again. I encourage couples to start doing the behaviours that they want your emotions to become in reestablishing this bond.

In the early phases of therapy, emotions cycle. Having the couple reflect on establishing 'Caring Behaviours' and behavioural expectations is important upfront in therapy despite the underlying anger, mistrust and pain. Generally I will ask couples 'what caring did you receive in the past week' from each partner. Sometimes partners are too implicated and depleted to respond to the notion of 'caring'. In this case, I try to have the couple focus on being 'considerate' and 'respect'. Partners who are hostile and angry might be remind to treat each other as appropriately and respectfully as they would treat a stranger. 

In the next blog, I will begin to share the 'telling the story of the affair' process.



 

The Trauma of Infidelity: the Assessment Phase

In order to properly understand where to begin working with a couple dealing with the trauma of an extramarital involvement, a comprehensive assessment in the early stage of therapy is critical. As the therapist, initially we need to understand if the couple is still in crisis because the affair was recently uncovered or whether the affair in an unresolved chronic issue. Establishing the commitment level of each partner early in the clinical process is necessary. For example,  the spouse having the affair may call in to the counselling service quite distraught and trying to rescue the marriage. Here, this partner demonstrates a higher level of commitment as compared to the spouse who is being 'dragged' into therapy by the betrayed partner. Some partner's call in for therapy and request individual therapy because they are ambivalent around their motivation and commitment to remain in the marriage.

After assessing commitment level for each partner, it is imperative to understand if the affair is still happening or if it is over. Couples therapy cannot begin if the affair is not terminated. Exploring how the disclosure occurred gives insight to the degree of the crisis and the extent of deception. Therapist sometimes might use several different testing tool to better assess for capacity for care, love, sex, intimacy, justification attitudes, depression, anxiety, mix-emotions and suicidality. Assessing for acute stress or PTSD features in the betrayed partner is advised.

During the assessment phase of therapy, previous affairs, repetitive patterns and behaviour need to be explored through sexual and social histories to assess out addiction versus culturally sanctioned affairs. Cybersex, online affairs and internet addictions need to considered when assessing infidelity.  During the assessment phase, understanding the courtship phase of the relationship and the evolution of the relationship over time in necessary to explore.

When couples come to therapy, the betrayed partner initially wants to know specific information on the affair such as "who," "what," "where," and especially, "when." The betrayed spouse might also focus on "why" questions. At the early stage of therapy, these type of questions are discouraged as they only lead to the couple getting stuck and raising the threshold of the couples emotions.  Encouraging honesty regarding the extent of the extramarital involvement is critical from the beginning of the therapeutic process, but in saying this, specific details of the affair need to be deferred until a later stage of treatment.

The Trauma of Infidelity: Patterns and Attitudes Regarding Infidelity

In my last blog, I explored the different types of extramarital affairs ranging from emotional to a physical nature. As a next step, I would like to briefly review the the patterns, attitudes and beliefs around infidelity. When looking at marital satisfaction as a predictor of infidelity, there is a common belief, even amongst therapists that infidelity is the result of an unhappy marriage  that is experiencing lower satisfaction. In following this line of thinking, this would suggest that meeting your partner's needs can therefore "affair-proof" your marriage. Well, to some degree this may be the case, but not completely. Although some studies have found that marital satisfaction is lower in some involved individuals, especially with women who are in the combined-type affairs, many individuals who are in an affair describe their marriages as "happy" - especially men in a primarily sexual affair. Glass and Wright (1985) reported in a non-clinical sample that 56% of the men and 34% of the women who were having extramarital affairs reported that their marriages were happy.

So, there is some research that exists suggesting that "lower" marital satisfaction is not always predictor of infidelity and that infidelity can occur within "happy" relationships. Shirley Glass, a couples researcher and specialist reports that "women were less likely than men to agree that extramarital involvement occurs in happy marriages and is not necessarily a symptom of a distressed relationship (47% vs 61%)."

When looking closer at the predictors between genders of what influences one to enter into an affair, women report specifically unmet relationship needs and men seem to be directed more towards individualistic attitudes around sex itself (Glass & Wright, 1992-Oliver & Hyde, 1993). Women's perception of a lack of love, then intimacy are identified as justification for extramarital relationships. According to Hyde & Oliver, men endorse a sexual justification for their infidelity.   

When exploring the different codes for extramarital relationships, Buss (1994) and Francis (1977) suggest that the male code is more permissive about sexual involvement, and female code is more permissive about emotional involvement. Buss and Francis also report that husbands are more jealous of their wives' sexual involvement and women are more jealous of their husbands emotional involvement. As a result of this, men are more likely to deny emotional involvement and women are more likely to deny sexual engagements.

As a final thought, addiction to sex, love and or romance can be described as a compulsive drive towards excitement that temporarily relieves feelings of emptiness. An adult who has a history of childhood or adolescent sexual abuse can struggle with a sex addiction later on in life. Love, passion and romance drives the sex addict to seek the idealism of new relationships. Also individuals who have developed and avoidant-attachment style tend to seek out "one-night" stands according to Hazan, Zeifman, & Middleton (1994). Cross-cultural studies have reveled that a clear double standard exists between men and women regarding extramarital sex. Extramarital sex is "condoned" in men and "condemned" in women according to Penn, Hernandez, and Bermudez (1997). 


In the next blog, I will move this discussion forward to explore and review who we assess and begin to work through this very complex issue.

Cheers,
Ian

After the Affair: The Trauma of Infidelity

Couples therapy is a significant part of my private practice. I thought for this blog and the next few following, I would explore with you the traumatic implication of infidelity, the stages that a couple go through after the affair is uncovered or disclosed, triggers to the affair and then the journey following to restoration.

For today's blog, I would like to provide some understanding of different types of affairs. In therapy, affairs are the third most difficult issue to treat and by far - and the second most damaging problem that couples encounter.  Research tells us that 30% of couples that engage in  counselling do so because of the crisis of an extramarital affair (Glass & Wright, 1998). In my own practice I would suggest that this statistic is fairly close. Along with this, an additional 30% of couples that are currently in counselling also disclose a past/present affair after engaging in therapeutic process (Humphrey, 1983). In one study by Glass, he reported that of 316 referred married couples, 23% of the wives and 45% of the husbands had an affair of some type.

In therapy, clinicians understand "infidelity" to include a:

• sexual secret
• romantic involvement
• emotional involvement

Infidelity of a sexual, romantic or emotional context violates the commitment to the marriage that is viewed as exclusive. Extramarital involvement is defined by Glass, S., (2002) as emcompassing a wide range of behaviours including sexual intimacies, with or without intercourse and extramarital emotional involvement.

Glass and Wright (1984) describes three types of involvement by levels of sexual and emotional involvement. The first level is described as 1) primarily sexual - any sexual intimacy that includes kissing to sexual intercourse, but lacks emotional meaning. 2) Primarily emotional - deep emotional attachment without physical intimacy and the 3) Combined type - extramarital intercourse with deep emotional attachment.

It important to separate out the differences between and "extramarital emotional attachment" and a "platonic friendship." Emotional intimacy, secrecy and sexual chemistry are the factors that differentiate between an "extramarital emotional attachment" and a "platonic friendship."

In today's modern society, affairs have moved into the virtual/online world. The internet has become a means for many emotionally attached affairs. These type of affairs are evident when the online relationship has a greater degree of intimacy than the marriage itself. Another sign would be that emails and private chat room conversations are operating in secret isolation of your spouse or partner. A final sign is that the online relationship has an arousal component to it.

Where an affair has been uncovered or disclosed, this evokes a traumatic reaction in the betrayed partner. Their world is now shattered and having to come to terms with previously held assumptions of being in a committed relationship. The trauma of a infidelity completely undoes safety within a relationship. Deception, lying, and secrecy all compromise the previously held assumptions of honesty and trustworthiness.

In my next blog, I will discuss further the patterns, attitudes and social context of infidelity.

Cheers,
Ian

Trauma and Teens

The impact that a trauma event has on a teen can be mild to significant. Often times, the trauma is misunderstood, mislabeled and even misdiagnosed for ADHD, Oppositional Defiance, Conduct, or learning issues. In today's blog, I want to briefly review trauma itself, its impact on teens, their responses and also how you can be a support. Briefly, trauma according to the DSM-IV requires that an individual experience or witness an event(s) in which they perceive a threat to their life and evoking intensive fear, helplessness, or horror.
Trauma responses are understood as Type 1 or Type 2. Type 1 trauma response results from an unexpected and discreet experience that overwhelms the individual's ability to cope with the stress, fear, threat or horror of this event leading to PTSD. Type 1 trauma responses tend to be a single occurrence. Type 2 trauma response results from an expected, but unavoidable, ongoing experience(s) that overwhelms the individual's ability to tolerate the event (childhood sexual abuse for example). This tends to lead to more chronic and complex trauma.

When a teen experiences a trauma event, this can have a significant impact on their ability to internally cope and manage their environment. They can experience many different reactions such as:

• shock and disbelief
• fear and/or anxiety
• grief, disorientation, denial
• hyper-alertness or hypervigilance
• irritability, restlessness, outbursts of anger or rage
• emotional swings -- like crying and then laughing
• worrying or ruminating -- intrusive thoughts of the trauma
• nightmares
• flashbacks -- feeling like the trauma is happening now
• feelings of helplessness, panic, feeling out of control
• increased need to control everyday experiences
• minimizing the experience
• attempts to avoid anything associated with trauma
• tendency to isolate oneself
• feelings of detachment
• concern over burdening others with problems
• emotional numbing or restricted range of feelings
• difficulty trusting and/or feelings of betrayal
• difficulty concentrating or remembering
• feelings of self-blame and/or survivor guilt
• shame
• diminished interest in everyday activities or depression
• unpleasant past memories resurfacing
• loss of a sense of order or fairness in the world; expectation of doom and fear of the future

 People are usually surprised that reactions to trauma can last from a couple of weeks to months, and in some cases, many years. Supportive family, caring adults and friends are critical to help the teen through this period. But sometimes friends, caring adults and family may push the teen to "get over it" before they're ready. It is important that they realize such responses are not helpful for the youth right now. Being with the youth, providing support, empathy, nurturing and understanding are critical to providing a feeling of safety.

According to Patti Levin (PsyD), she describes the following helpful coping strategies for trauma reactions:

• mobilize a support system n reach out and connect with others, especially those who may have shared the stressful event
• talk about the traumatic experience with empathic listeners
• cry
• hard exercise like jogging, aerobics, bicycling, walking
• relaxation exercise like yoga, stretching, massage
• humor
• prayer and/or meditation; guided Imagery relaxation; deep breathing exercise,
  progressive relaxation
• hot baths
• music and art
• maintain balanced diet and sleep cycle as much as possible
• avoid over-using stimulants like caffeine, sugar, or nicotine
• commitment to something personally meaningful and important every day
• hug those you love, pets included
• eat warm turkey, boiled onions, baked potatoes, cream-based soups n these are tryptophane activators, which help you feel tired but good (like after Thanksgiving dinner)
• organize proactive responses toward personal and community safety 
• do something socially active
• write about your experience in detail, just for yourself or to share with others

A trauma therapist can be very helpful in supporting your teen should the trauma symptoms prolong. They can assist your teen in sorting through the anxiousness and panic features they might be experiencing. Also, they will be able to assist your teen in establishing effective coping strategies and safety in order to move beyond the trauma.

Thanks for reading!!
Ian

Trauma Responses: Through the Eyes of Early Childhood (ages 5-12)

In my last blog, I reflected on the signs and features of trauma responses in children ages 1-5. I thought I would continue on with the same theme of looking at trauma responses in children ages 5-12. Although there may be some similarities, there is also some marked differences in how trauma becomes internalized and then externalized within this age group.

Children who experience a traumatic event at this age start to present with regressive behaviours. These behaviours might include increased competition with sibling for parents attention. There may be signs of separation anxiety, excessive clinging, crying and sadness or engaging in behaviours that they have previously outgrown.

Psychological responses become quite evident. These children might start to complain of headaches, itching and scratching, nausea, dizziness, difficulty sleeping, nightmare or night terror, visual or hearing problems, sweats, racing heart or tightness of the chest.

Emotionally, traumatized children between the ages of 5-12 can experience a profound sense of loss and sadness. Fear reactions becomes more evident in this group leading to several types of phobias such as social, darkness, wind and rain, being alone, and even school. Behaviourally, these children begin to withdraw from playing with friend, being with family members and overall turn inward. In some cases, aggression can increase to where the child can become increasingly irritable, hyperactive, disobedient and oppositional. School performance can drop because of the child's difficulty in being able to concentrate and focus. Along with this, the child might start to avoid going to school because they find it so overwhelming.

As you can see, trauma through the lens of a child has a significant physiological, emotional, and behavioural impact. So what can parents do to help their child? Providing positive reinforcement is critical in beginning to rebuild the safety and hope back for the child. For a short period, the emotional needs of the child are more important than school or home performance expectations. Until the child can be stabilized from the trauma, you might want to lower the bar and relax some of the performance expectations. By providing the child with meaningful attention, support and physical comfort, they can begin to feel connected to their loved ones and know that there is understanding for what they are going through. Reassurance is always helpful by letting the child know that they are going to get through this difficult time and eventually return to their previous functioning abilities. Children always feel safer with structure. Where daily structure can be provided, things become more predictable for the child. Encouraging your child to become physically active will assist their natural neurobiological system to produce the chemicals that induce "pleasurable" feelings. Activity is vital for these children. Engaging your child to speak about the trauma through verbal expression, specifically about their thoughts and feelings of the trauma event is helpful in assisting them to process their loss and share their grieving experience. Having the child re-enact the trauma through play is helpful. Then beginning to have the child explore other "truths" about the trauma that they had not considered support challenging the catastrophic thinking of the event. Allowing the child to share what has been learned for them by going through this trauma supports in building resiliency for future traumas in life and how they might handle them.

In summing up, by providing your child the opportunity of play reenactment, the use of puppets, art, sharing your own personal experiences, books, or journaling are all ways that a child can begin to feel safe to tell their trauma story. By children being able to express themselves, we truly help our kids work through these difficult times and begin to equip them now and for future traumatic events. This is how we build RESILIENCY in our kids.

Cheers
Ian

How do I help my child (age 1-5) cope with a trauma?

After a child has been exposed to a trauma, parents begin to worry about what this will mean for their child and specifically how they will react and respond. A trauma reaction in a child is usually evident soon after the trauma occurs. There are times where a child will have a delayed response to the trauma. For example, the child seemed to have been managing fine going through the trauma and then weeks or even months later, the child's behaviour changes. Typical responses to childhood trauma reaction are quite broad. I will share with you some of the behavioural responses that I look for when assessing for childhood trauma and suggestions what you can do as parents. In saying this, what I discuss in this blog is not all inclusive, but some of the areas that I look for.

Children at this age are particularly vulnerable. They can react to changes in their routine and previously secure SAFE environment. Understanding that a child at the age lacks verbal and conceptual skills to cope with stress and they are fully dependent on their family (parents) to provide them with the emotional and nurturing supports to instill safety. On another note, children can be directly implicated by how parents reacted to trauma themselves, therefore increasing or decreasing trauma reactions in the child. Children require comforting (sensory) routines, opportunities to verbally and non-verbally express themselves and lots of encouragement and reassurance.


Trauma responses in a preschooler might present with the following symptoms:

• Resumption of bedwetting
• Fear of the dark
• Fear of animals
• Fear of monsters
• Fear of strangers
• Helplessness and passivity
• Nervousness
• Irritability 
• Disobediance
• Hyperactivity
• Separation anxiety from parents
• Noticeable decrease in attention span
• Increase aggression 
• Difficulty speaking - selective mutism
• Decrease change in appetite 
• Overeating
• Vomitting
• Sleep difficulties (fear of going to sleep, fear of sleep, fear of being alone-especially at night
• Nightmares/terrors
• Repetitive talk
• Difficulty understanding what is bothering them
• Confusion in not understanding that the danger is over - living and reliving the trauma memory
• Increase sadness and difficulty coping with daily living

Providing your child with verbal reassurances and LOTS of physical comfort by holding and caressing them is critical. Verbal reassurances and physical comfort begin to provide security and decrease the sensory reactions of the child. Here are some things you can do to help your child through this process. If you have puppets in your house, these are a great means for the child to express themselves and what has happened in their life. Art is also another effective means  to allowing your child to express themselves, and their trauma experience. They can draw pictures of what they feel and what happened in their life. This can lead to a discussion that others might share their feelings and even greater, how things can change. There are several great children's book available that can also be helpful in supporting your children through a trauma experience. As a parent you can pick an age appropriate book that you can read with your child to assist them in processing their feelings. Lastly, providing more finger food and fluids are also helpful in supporting your child needs through this stressor. Remember that children can have a regressive reaction to a trauma leading to thumb sucking. Oral stimulation needs to be introduced to support the child.

Although these are a few suggestions, there are so many other ways you can creatively support your child. In the event that your child is having difficulty in managing or being able to move forward, I would strongly recommend that you see a professional. This might include your family doctor, child psychologist, play therapist, or social worker.

Keeping conversation alive in your relationship!

Keeping the "spark" alive in your relationship requires a conscious effort of both individuals. Communication is the means of keeping the spark alive. Many couples find it increasingly difficult to stay connected on an intimate communicative level. Lian Dolan states "a recent British study found that the longer couples are married, the less they have to say to each other over the course of an hour-long meal. In other words, the social scientists assigned data to one of my greatest fears: that my husband and I will become the couple in the restaurant eating together, but not saying a word to each other except, "Pass the salt."

How bad does it get? Listen to these numbers: Couples who are dating chat for 50 minutes out of the hour. Presumably, breathing, eating and imbibing take up the remaining 10 minutes. Immediately after marriage, the downward trend kicks in, with the time spent talking dropping to 40 minutes per hour. Twenty years into marriage, the average couple talks for 21 minutes of the hour; 30 years in, conversation takes up 16 minutes. And by 50 years of marital bliss, the average couple converses for three minutes in an hour! That's 150 words or less in an entire meal! I'm guessing "Are you still breathing?" takes up most of the conversation time."

Finding time each morning and night to have a conversational "huddle" with your partner is vital to staying connected, engage, and invested in your relationship. These relational "huddles" can be as much as checking in with each other to find out what did you most enjoy about your relationship today? What was dissatisfying about your relationship today? How can you be helpful to each other? In the end a relationship is a team sport where you either win together.......or lose together!!

Why does my child not want to go to school

Lately, more and more youth are being referred to our services because of school refusal. A child's refusal to go to school not only impacts the child, but also raises the anxiety level and frustration for parents, teachers and school administrators. When emotions move to the frustration level, so do responses. I would like to step back for a moment and explore why school refusal becomes the choice for children. For the most part, children do want to succeed at school and manage. School refusal is a symptom of a bigger problem for the child.

Firstly, a child who does not want to attend school is struggling with a form of anxiety, whether separation or social, distress or even depression. Some commonly cited reasons for refusal to attend school include the following:

• A parent being ill (Surprisingly, school refusal can begin after the parent recovers.)
• 
  
• Parents separating, having marital problems, or having frequent arguments
• 
  
• A death in the family of a friend of the child
• 
  
• Moving from one house to another during the first years of elementary school
• 
  
• Jealousy over a new brother or sister at home
• 
  
• Parents worrying about the child in some way (for example, poor health)

Other problems at school that can cause school refusal include feeling lost (especially in a new school), not having friends, being bullied by another child, or not getting along with classmates or teacher.

One area that has been researched as a predictor for a child to avoid going to school are learning disabilities and language disorder. Where these disorders are identified, supports and resources can be put in place to assist the child and support success strategies. Where learning and language disorders are not identified, children are at a higher risk of school breakdown leading to avoidance of their academic institution. Getting a child identified can be difficult. When a child does not want to attend school because it is "too hard" or "I don't get it" or there are other struggles in the their academic maturation, getting your child assessed by a licensed child and adolescent psychologist is critical.

There are problems in how we view and label children who are struggling to attend school. The term "school refusal", which is often labeled by the school system suggests a form of defiance. The term "truancy" is also another form of negative labeling suggesting a "bad kid" who is breaking the law with the legal violation of not attending school. The discourse around how we understand youth who are not attending school is significant in how we intervene with the youth. Although criminalizing youth who do not attend school has been seen in some areas as an appropriate intervention, does it address root cause for the actual behaviour itself?

According to Nick Jr. www.nickjr.com.au/page.php?p=21&pp=2&sp=21 he identifies what parents can do! It is important to get the child back to school, because the longer he is away the harder it is likely to be. Try to deal with the cause if you can work out what it is from the ideas above.
Some other things you can try, depending on the cause -

• You need to believe that your child will get over the problem and let your child know that you believe in him.
• Try not to let him see that you are worried.
• Listen to your child and encourage him to tell you about his feelings and fears.
• Let him know that you can understand how he feels.
  • For example say, "That feels really scary to you".
  • Don’t make fun of his feelings and don’t tell him that big boys aren’t scared - everyone is afraid sometimes.
  • If you are not understanding, your child will find it hard to tell you when he is worried.
• Check what is happening at school with the teacher.
• Make sure your child knows that you will always come back - tell her over and over again if you need to.
• Let the child know you will be doing something boring at home while she is at school
• Be reliable and on time when picking up after school. Have a plan for times when you might unavoidably be late.
• Sometimes it is helpful if the child says good-bye to you at home and a friend’s parent takes her to school.
• Spending time with a teacher that the child knows well at the start of the day sometimes helps. It will give her something to take her mind off her worries and help her to settle in.
• Sometimes parents can help in the library or elsewhere in the school so the child knows you are near until she feels safe.
• Let the child take something of yours in her pocket to mind during the day (it need not be something valuable but needs to be something the child knows is yours and that you would not want to lose).
• Give the child as much control over the problem as you can - ask him what he thinks will help and then try that.

If the problem still keeps on or if you or your child are getting very upset, professional counselling may be needed to help get things going again.

Counselling Niagara

Counselling Niagara

Control Freak versus Pushover Parent

Hi Everyone

According to Lehman, whether you have the tendency to be a control freak or a doormat, your intentions are most likely good ones. You love and care about your child, and want him to be successful and happy. But when some parents get anxious about their kids—and their daunting parental responsibility—they manage their anxiety by controlling their kids. Other parents give their children free rein and try to be their kids’ friend rather than their parent. Unfortunately, neither style will help your child launch into an independent adult who can stand on his own two feet. The key to being an effective parent is finding a reasonable, loving balance between the two extremes.
Are You a Control Freak Parent?
If your morning routine sounds like this, you are probably a control freak parent: “Get down for breakfast this minute. You need to brush your teeth now. Go back to your room and put on the red sweater instead—it looks better with that outfit. You should ask your teacher for help as soon as you get to school today.” Controlling parents typically use lots of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts.”
A parent who micromanages their child’s life will answer “yes” to one or more of these questions:

• Must it be your way and only your way? Are you always right?
• Do you threaten, lecture, warn, or order your kids around in a barking kind of tone?
• Do you often do things your child can do for himself because you think you can do it better or “the right way?”
• Do you tend to make decisions for your child? Do you often use bribes to get him to do what you want him to do?
• Do you give him little freedom to think for himself?

Or…Are You a Pushover Parent
You may be the type of parent who goes to the opposite extreme. If you are more of a pushover parent, you’ll find yourself frequently saying things like, “Okay, well maybe just this one time,” or “You never listen to me anyway, so go ahead and do what you want."
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to determine if you’re a passive parent:

• Do you want to make sure your child never struggles, fails or feels pain or disappointment?
• Do you feel bad saying “no” to him?
• Do you find yourself nagging your child and rewarding everything he does?
• Do you try to be your child’s friend more than his parent?
• Do you do for him what he can do for himself? Do you generally over–function for him and at times feel resentful?
• Do you make your focus your child instead of yourself and your adult relationships?
• Are you kind of afraid of your child?

Control Freaks vs. Pushovers: Why Neither Parenting Style Works
The problem with being overly controlling as a parent is that when you try to control your child (or anyone for that matter) you will most likely cause them to assume a position of chronic defensiveness. Your child will fight for his autonomy—which is actually a healthy, normal developmental response on his part. If you parent this way, as soon as you need something from your child—cooperation, respect, love, good behavior, good manners—you put yourself in a vulnerable position. You think you are in control, but actually you have handed your child the control. If you need a certain behavior from your child, all he has to do is refuse to give it to you. Now you are at a loss, feeling anxious and out of control.
The struggle for control begins and never ends. The issue, whether it’s turning off the computer or taking the garbage out, becomes secondary to the bigger issue of who is going to win that struggle. Your child becomes so caught up in keeping control over his life that his energy goes into defending himself rather than thinking about good choices for himself. So you’ll have conversations like the following:
You: “Please read your book.”
Your child: “I already did.”
You: “I didn’t see you read it today.”
Your child: “Well I did.”
You: “No you didn’t.”
Your child: “Yes I did.”
You: “No you didn’t.”
This argument, as you can see, is never ending. On the other hand, when you’re a pushover parent, you’re bending over backwards to make sure your child feels good at all costs. You probably find yourself saying things like the following:
“If you’re too tired to shovel the snow, don’t worry about it.” Or “That science project looks really difficult. I’ll help you with it”—and then you find yourself doing the whole thing.  The pushover parent will also simply do things that the child is supposed to do, often feeling resentful about it, or give in easily to whining and pleading.
When parents are too passive, kids get lost because there are no adults home; children flounder in this atmosphere because they have no leader to properly guide them and hold them accountable.

To put it simply, your child needs parents who have a solid sense of self. Your child doesn’t need parents who become what he wants them to become; your child needs you to think for yourself and express your thoughts, beliefs and values. This helps him do the same for himself later. Keep in mind that when your kids give you a hard time, they are testing you. On a deeper level, they really don’t want you to give in to them. They want to know that their parents are sturdy and not wishy–washy.
And when you know who you are as a parent, you won’t become “fused” with your kids; you won’t need to be liked or validated by them in some way. The result is that your children won’t be burdened with taking emotional care of you; they will be free to grow up.

How to Find the Right Balance
So what does it look like to be a parent who can combine the “rule side” of parenting—James Lehman’s Limit Setting role—with the “loving side” of being a parent? The solution is to enforce reasonable rules while doing it in a loving and empathetic way.
Basically, you want to give your child choices to help him to develop his own guidelines as he matures. Offer and look for opportunities for your child to make his own decisions and mistakes, and allow him to be disappointed—and even to fail—when he makes bad choices.


I also firmly believe that you need to hold your child accountable for his actions—don’t step in and rescue him, but on the other hand, don’t manage everything so he never has to make those tough choices. I also tell parents “Let reality rather than reactivity be your child’s guide.” For example, let’s say your 13–year–old daughter sits down to breakfast and says, “Yuck, I don’t like eggs. I’m not going to eat them.” The control freak parent would say “Yes, you are going to eat the eggs and you won’t leave the table until you do.” In contrast, the pushover parent might say, “I’m sorry you don’t like the eggs I made. What would you like instead; I’ll make it for you.” Now, the effective parent would say, “I’m sorry you don’t like what’s for breakfast. You are welcome to make something else that you find more appealing. But I would like you to sit at the table and eat with us.” Now you have included the Limit Setting role of parenting: You expect your child to take responsibility for her breakfast if she doesn’t like what is offered. You do not cross your own boundary of interrupting your own breakfast or doing for her what she can do for herself. And you hold her to the rule of eating together as a family.
But here’s the key—you have also made sure to include the loving side of parenting. You’re not angry if she makes a choice that’s different from yours; you don’t take it personally. You let her decide what she would like to eat and you’re empathetic to her disappointment about the breakfast. You’ve held true to your beliefs without trying to control your child’s feelings or behavior.

Can I change my parenting style?
If you see yourself in either of these two extremes, give yourself a break and understand that it’s very normal for parents to manage anxiety by becoming either too controlling or too passive. If you want to change your parenting style, the first step is recognizing that what you’ve been doing up until now is ineffective. As soon as you’ve done that, you’re already on your way. Committing to doing something different will help change a destructive relationship into a lasting, influential one.
The key is to have a plan and then prepare, predict and act. This means that for each situation that arises, pause and think before reacting. So consider the “rules side” of a situation and ask yourself what limits you want to set. Think through your expectations and identify your bottom line. Predict some ways your child might react and try to come up with a suitable response. Decide what structure and guidance you want to provide—in other words, the rules that need to be followed and the consequences that will be given. At the same time, think about the loving side of parenting. Ask yourself, “How can I set the rules and include empathy, respect and care?”
Here’s an example of an effective conversation you might have with your child using these guidelines:
You: “You’re supposed to make your bed, what happened?
Your child: “I forgot.”
You: “I keep asking you to do your chores and you keep forgetting. Asking over and over doesn’t seem to help. Any suggestions?”
Your child: “I’ll remember next time.”
You: “But you’ve said that before.”
Your child: “No, but this time I promise I will.”
You: “Okay, good. And if you don’t, you will have to stay in on Saturday and do some chores that your dad and I need done around the house.”
You’ve given your child the chance to make the right choice by imposing a structure, but you’ve imposed limits if he makes a poor choice. Another rule of thumb for parents is to ask, “Will this help my child grow into a self–sufficient, caring, independent–thinking adult, or am I doing this to calm my anxiety and distress right now?” Our knee jerk reaction with parenting is usually operating from a place of asking your child to be a certain way so you can feel calm. Instead, think of ways to calm yourself down and help your child to grow up.