In my last blog, I explored the different types of extramarital affairs ranging from emotional to a physical nature. As a next step, I would like to briefly review the the patterns, attitudes and beliefs around infidelity. When looking at marital satisfaction as a predictor of infidelity, there is a common belief, even amongst therapists that infidelity is the result of an unhappy marriage that is experiencing lower satisfaction. In following this line of thinking, this would suggest that meeting your partner's needs can therefore "affair-proof" your marriage. Well, to some degree this may be the case, but not completely. Although some studies have found that marital satisfaction is lower in some involved individuals, especially with women who are in the combined-type affairs, many individuals who are in an affair describe their marriages as "happy" - especially men in a primarily sexual affair. Glass and Wright (1985) reported in a non-clinical sample that 56% of the men and 34% of the women who were having extramarital affairs reported that their marriages were happy.
So, there is some research that exists suggesting that "lower" marital satisfaction is not always predictor of infidelity and that infidelity can occur within "happy" relationships. Shirley Glass, a couples researcher and specialist reports that "women were less likely than men to agree that extramarital involvement occurs in happy marriages and is not necessarily a symptom of a distressed relationship (47% vs 61%)."
When looking closer at the predictors between genders of what influences one to enter into an affair, women report specifically unmet relationship needs and men seem to be directed more towards individualistic attitudes around sex itself (Glass & Wright, 1992-Oliver & Hyde, 1993). Women's perception of a lack of love, then intimacy are identified as justification for extramarital relationships. According to Hyde & Oliver, men endorse a sexual justification for their infidelity.
When exploring the different codes for extramarital relationships, Buss (1994) and Francis (1977) suggest that the male code is more permissive about sexual involvement, and female code is more permissive about emotional involvement. Buss and Francis also report that husbands are more jealous of their wives' sexual involvement and women are more jealous of their husbands emotional involvement. As a result of this, men are more likely to deny emotional involvement and women are more likely to deny sexual engagements.
As a final thought, addiction to sex, love and or romance can be described as a compulsive drive towards excitement that temporarily relieves feelings of emptiness. An adult who has a history of childhood or adolescent sexual abuse can struggle with a sex addiction later on in life. Love, passion and romance drives the sex addict to seek the idealism of new relationships. Also individuals who have developed and avoidant-attachment style tend to seek out "one-night" stands according to Hazan, Zeifman, & Middleton (1994). Cross-cultural studies have reveled that a clear double standard exists between men and women regarding extramarital sex. Extramarital sex is "condoned" in men and "condemned" in women according to Penn, Hernandez, and Bermudez (1997).
In the next blog, I will move this discussion forward to explore and review who we assess and begin to work through this very complex issue.
Cheers,
Ian
Monday, April 25, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
After the Affair: The Trauma of Infidelity
Couples therapy is a significant part of my private practice. I thought for this blog and the next few following, I would explore with you the traumatic implication of infidelity, the stages that a couple go through after the affair is uncovered or disclosed, triggers to the affair and then the journey following to restoration.
For today's blog, I would like to provide some understanding of different types of affairs. In therapy, affairs are the third most difficult issue to treat and by far - and the second most damaging problem that couples encounter. Research tells us that 30% of couples that engage in counselling do so because of the crisis of an extramarital affair (Glass & Wright, 1998). In my own practice I would suggest that this statistic is fairly close. Along with this, an additional 30% of couples that are currently in counselling also disclose a past/present affair after engaging in therapeutic process (Humphrey, 1983). In one study by Glass, he reported that of 316 referred married couples, 23% of the wives and 45% of the husbands had an affair of some type.
In therapy, clinicians understand "infidelity" to include a:
Glass and Wright (1984) describes three types of involvement by levels of sexual and emotional involvement. The first level is described as 1) primarily sexual - any sexual intimacy that includes kissing to sexual intercourse, but lacks emotional meaning. 2) Primarily emotional - deep emotional attachment without physical intimacy and the 3) Combined type - extramarital intercourse with deep emotional attachment.
It important to separate out the differences between and "extramarital emotional attachment" and a "platonic friendship." Emotional intimacy, secrecy and sexual chemistry are the factors that differentiate between an "extramarital emotional attachment" and a "platonic friendship."
In today's modern society, affairs have moved into the virtual/online world. The internet has become a means for many emotionally attached affairs. These type of affairs are evident when the online relationship has a greater degree of intimacy than the marriage itself. Another sign would be that emails and private chat room conversations are operating in secret isolation of your spouse or partner. A final sign is that the online relationship has an arousal component to it.
Where an affair has been uncovered or disclosed, this evokes a traumatic reaction in the betrayed partner. Their world is now shattered and having to come to terms with previously held assumptions of being in a committed relationship. The trauma of a infidelity completely undoes safety within a relationship. Deception, lying, and secrecy all compromise the previously held assumptions of honesty and trustworthiness.
In my next blog, I will discuss further the patterns, attitudes and social context of infidelity.
Cheers,
Ian
For today's blog, I would like to provide some understanding of different types of affairs. In therapy, affairs are the third most difficult issue to treat and by far - and the second most damaging problem that couples encounter. Research tells us that 30% of couples that engage in counselling do so because of the crisis of an extramarital affair (Glass & Wright, 1998). In my own practice I would suggest that this statistic is fairly close. Along with this, an additional 30% of couples that are currently in counselling also disclose a past/present affair after engaging in therapeutic process (Humphrey, 1983). In one study by Glass, he reported that of 316 referred married couples, 23% of the wives and 45% of the husbands had an affair of some type.
In therapy, clinicians understand "infidelity" to include a:
- sexual secret
- romantic involvement
- emotional involvement
Glass and Wright (1984) describes three types of involvement by levels of sexual and emotional involvement. The first level is described as 1) primarily sexual - any sexual intimacy that includes kissing to sexual intercourse, but lacks emotional meaning. 2) Primarily emotional - deep emotional attachment without physical intimacy and the 3) Combined type - extramarital intercourse with deep emotional attachment.
It important to separate out the differences between and "extramarital emotional attachment" and a "platonic friendship." Emotional intimacy, secrecy and sexual chemistry are the factors that differentiate between an "extramarital emotional attachment" and a "platonic friendship."
In today's modern society, affairs have moved into the virtual/online world. The internet has become a means for many emotionally attached affairs. These type of affairs are evident when the online relationship has a greater degree of intimacy than the marriage itself. Another sign would be that emails and private chat room conversations are operating in secret isolation of your spouse or partner. A final sign is that the online relationship has an arousal component to it.
Where an affair has been uncovered or disclosed, this evokes a traumatic reaction in the betrayed partner. Their world is now shattered and having to come to terms with previously held assumptions of being in a committed relationship. The trauma of a infidelity completely undoes safety within a relationship. Deception, lying, and secrecy all compromise the previously held assumptions of honesty and trustworthiness.
In my next blog, I will discuss further the patterns, attitudes and social context of infidelity.
Cheers,
Ian
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Trauma and Teens
The impact that a trauma event has on a teen can be mild to significant. Often times, the trauma is misunderstood, mislabeled and even misdiagnosed for ADHD, Oppositional Defiance, Conduct, or learning issues. In today's blog, I want to briefly review trauma itself, its impact on teens, their responses and also how you can be a support. Briefly, trauma according to the DSM-IV requires that an individual experience or witness an event(s) in which they perceive a threat to their life and evoking intensive fear, helplessness, or horror.
Trauma responses are understood as Type 1 or Type 2. Type 1 trauma response results from an unexpected and discreet experience that overwhelms the individual's ability to cope with the stress, fear, threat or horror of this event leading to PTSD. Type 1 trauma responses tend to be a single occurrence. Type 2 trauma response results from an expected, but unavoidable, ongoing experience(s) that overwhelms the individual's ability to tolerate the event (childhood sexual abuse for example). This tends to lead to more chronic and complex trauma.
When a teen experiences a trauma event, this can have a significant impact on their ability to internally cope and manage their environment. They can experience many different reactions such as:
According to Patti Levin (PsyD), she describes the following helpful coping strategies for trauma reactions:
Thanks for reading!!
Ian
Trauma responses are understood as Type 1 or Type 2. Type 1 trauma response results from an unexpected and discreet experience that overwhelms the individual's ability to cope with the stress, fear, threat or horror of this event leading to PTSD. Type 1 trauma responses tend to be a single occurrence. Type 2 trauma response results from an expected, but unavoidable, ongoing experience(s) that overwhelms the individual's ability to tolerate the event (childhood sexual abuse for example). This tends to lead to more chronic and complex trauma.
When a teen experiences a trauma event, this can have a significant impact on their ability to internally cope and manage their environment. They can experience many different reactions such as:
- shock and disbelief
- fear and/or anxiety
- grief, disorientation, denial
- hyper-alertness or hypervigilance
- irritability, restlessness, outbursts of anger or rage
- emotional swings -- like crying and then laughing
- worrying or ruminating -- intrusive thoughts of the trauma
- nightmares
- flashbacks -- feeling like the trauma is happening now
- feelings of helplessness, panic, feeling out of control
- increased need to control everyday experiences
- minimizing the experience
- attempts to avoid anything associated with trauma
- tendency to isolate oneself
- feelings of detachment
- concern over burdening others with problems
- emotional numbing or restricted range of feelings
- difficulty trusting and/or feelings of betrayal
- difficulty concentrating or remembering
- feelings of self-blame and/or survivor guilt
- shame
- diminished interest in everyday activities or depression
- unpleasant past memories resurfacing
- loss of a sense of order or fairness in the world; expectation of doom and fear of the future
According to Patti Levin (PsyD), she describes the following helpful coping strategies for trauma reactions:
- mobilize a support system n reach out and connect with others, especially those who may have shared the stressful event
- talk about the traumatic experience with empathic listeners
- cry
- hard exercise like jogging, aerobics, bicycling, walking
- relaxation exercise like yoga, stretching, massage
- humor
- prayer and/or meditation; guided Imagery relaxation; deep breathing exercise,
progressive relaxation - hot baths
- music and art
- maintain balanced diet and sleep cycle as much as possible
- avoid over-using stimulants like caffeine, sugar, or nicotine
- commitment to something personally meaningful and important every day
- hug those you love, pets included
- eat warm turkey, boiled onions, baked potatoes, cream-based soups n these are tryptophane activators, which help you feel tired but good (like after Thanksgiving dinner)
- organize proactive responses toward personal and community safety
- do something socially active
- write about your experience in detail, just for yourself or to share with others
Thanks for reading!!
Ian
Friday, April 1, 2011
Trauma Responses: Through the Eyes of Early Childhood (ages 5-12)
In my last blog, I reflected on the signs and features of trauma responses in children ages 1-5. I thought I would continue on with the same theme of looking at trauma responses in children ages 5-12. Although there may be some similarities, there is also some marked differences in how trauma becomes internalized and then externalized within this age group.
Children who experience a traumatic event at this age start to present with regressive behaviours. These behaviours might include increased competition with sibling for parents attention. There may be signs of separation anxiety, excessive clinging, crying and sadness or engaging in behaviours that they have previously outgrown.
Psychological responses become quite evident. These children might start to complain of headaches, itching and scratching, nausea, dizziness, difficulty sleeping, nightmare or night terror, visual or hearing problems, sweats, racing heart or tightness of the chest.
Emotionally, traumatized children between the ages of 5-12 can experience a profound sense of loss and sadness. Fear reactions becomes more evident in this group leading to several types of phobias such as social, darkness, wind and rain, being alone, and even school. Behaviourally, these children begin to withdraw from playing with friend, being with family members and overall turn inward. In some cases, aggression can increase to where the child can become increasingly irritable, hyperactive, disobedient and oppositional. School performance can drop because of the child's difficulty in being able to concentrate and focus. Along with this, the child might start to avoid going to school because they find it so overwhelming.
As you can see, trauma through the lens of a child has a significant physiological, emotional, and behavioural impact. So what can parents do to help their child? Providing positive reinforcement is critical in beginning to rebuild the safety and hope back for the child. For a short period, the emotional needs of the child are more important than school or home performance expectations. Until the child can be stabilized from the trauma, you might want to lower the bar and relax some of the performance expectations. By providing the child with meaningful attention, support and physical comfort, they can begin to feel connected to their loved ones and know that there is understanding for what they are going through. Reassurance is always helpful by letting the child know that they are going to get through this difficult time and eventually return to their previous functioning abilities. Children always feel safer with structure. Where daily structure can be provided, things become more predictable for the child. Encouraging your child to become physically active will assist their natural neurobiological system to produce the chemicals that induce "pleasurable" feelings. Activity is vital for these children. Engaging your child to speak about the trauma through verbal expression, specifically about their thoughts and feelings of the trauma event is helpful in assisting them to process their loss and share their grieving experience. Having the child re-enact the trauma through play is helpful. Then beginning to have the child explore other "truths" about the trauma that they had not considered support challenging the catastrophic thinking of the event. Allowing the child to share what has been learned for them by going through this trauma supports in building resiliency for future traumas in life and how they might handle them.
In summing up, by providing your child the opportunity of play reenactment, the use of puppets, art, sharing your own personal experiences, books, or journaling are all ways that a child can begin to feel safe to tell their trauma story. By children being able to express themselves, we truly help our kids work through these difficult times and begin to equip them now and for future traumatic events. This is how we build RESILIENCY in our kids.
Cheers
Ian
Children who experience a traumatic event at this age start to present with regressive behaviours. These behaviours might include increased competition with sibling for parents attention. There may be signs of separation anxiety, excessive clinging, crying and sadness or engaging in behaviours that they have previously outgrown.
Psychological responses become quite evident. These children might start to complain of headaches, itching and scratching, nausea, dizziness, difficulty sleeping, nightmare or night terror, visual or hearing problems, sweats, racing heart or tightness of the chest.
Emotionally, traumatized children between the ages of 5-12 can experience a profound sense of loss and sadness. Fear reactions becomes more evident in this group leading to several types of phobias such as social, darkness, wind and rain, being alone, and even school. Behaviourally, these children begin to withdraw from playing with friend, being with family members and overall turn inward. In some cases, aggression can increase to where the child can become increasingly irritable, hyperactive, disobedient and oppositional. School performance can drop because of the child's difficulty in being able to concentrate and focus. Along with this, the child might start to avoid going to school because they find it so overwhelming.
As you can see, trauma through the lens of a child has a significant physiological, emotional, and behavioural impact. So what can parents do to help their child? Providing positive reinforcement is critical in beginning to rebuild the safety and hope back for the child. For a short period, the emotional needs of the child are more important than school or home performance expectations. Until the child can be stabilized from the trauma, you might want to lower the bar and relax some of the performance expectations. By providing the child with meaningful attention, support and physical comfort, they can begin to feel connected to their loved ones and know that there is understanding for what they are going through. Reassurance is always helpful by letting the child know that they are going to get through this difficult time and eventually return to their previous functioning abilities. Children always feel safer with structure. Where daily structure can be provided, things become more predictable for the child. Encouraging your child to become physically active will assist their natural neurobiological system to produce the chemicals that induce "pleasurable" feelings. Activity is vital for these children. Engaging your child to speak about the trauma through verbal expression, specifically about their thoughts and feelings of the trauma event is helpful in assisting them to process their loss and share their grieving experience. Having the child re-enact the trauma through play is helpful. Then beginning to have the child explore other "truths" about the trauma that they had not considered support challenging the catastrophic thinking of the event. Allowing the child to share what has been learned for them by going through this trauma supports in building resiliency for future traumas in life and how they might handle them.
In summing up, by providing your child the opportunity of play reenactment, the use of puppets, art, sharing your own personal experiences, books, or journaling are all ways that a child can begin to feel safe to tell their trauma story. By children being able to express themselves, we truly help our kids work through these difficult times and begin to equip them now and for future traumatic events. This is how we build RESILIENCY in our kids.
Cheers
Ian
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