In order to properly understand where to begin working with a couple dealing with the trauma of an extramarital involvement, a comprehensive assessment in the early stage of therapy is critical. As the therapist, initially we need to understand if the couple is still in crisis because the affair was recently uncovered or whether the affair in an unresolved chronic issue. Establishing the commitment level of each partner early in the clinical process is necessary. For example, the spouse having the affair may call in to the counselling service quite distraught and trying to rescue the marriage. Here, this partner demonstrates a higher level of commitment as compared to the spouse who is being 'dragged' into therapy by the betrayed partner. Some partner's call in for therapy and request individual therapy because they are ambivalent around their motivation and commitment to remain in the marriage.
After assessing commitment level for each partner, it is imperative to understand if the affair is still happening or if it is over. Couples therapy cannot begin if the affair is not terminated. Exploring how the disclosure occurred gives insight to the degree of the crisis and the extent of deception. Therapist sometimes might use several different testing tool to better assess for capacity for care, love, sex, intimacy, justification attitudes, depression, anxiety, mix-emotions and suicidality. Assessing for acute stress or PTSD features in the betrayed partner is advised.
During the assessment phase of therapy, previous affairs, repetitive patterns and behaviour need to be explored through sexual and social histories to assess out addiction versus culturally sanctioned affairs. Cybersex, online affairs and internet addictions need to considered when assessing infidelity. During the assessment phase, understanding the courtship phase of the relationship and the evolution of the relationship over time in necessary to explore.
When couples come to therapy, the betrayed partner initially wants to know specific information on the affair such as "who," "what," "where," and especially, "when." The betrayed spouse might also focus on "why" questions. At the early stage of therapy, these type of questions are discouraged as they only lead to the couple getting stuck and raising the threshold of the couples emotions. Encouraging honesty regarding the extent of the extramarital involvement is critical from the beginning of the therapeutic process, but in saying this, specific details of the affair need to be deferred until a later stage of treatment.
